Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Introvention

theres more inside me than i allow myself to realize...the more that i allow to escape the more i hurt inside. if only i could word it. if only i could spell it out. if only i explain it. if only i could let it out.
its breathing.
im guessing its alive, but it make me so dead inside.
its feeding.
im praying its not myself eating me alive.
i want treatment. i want pills, liquor, medication. i want to be perfect. i want to be anything.
anything but this.

but im not the hole inside.
maybe it loves me.
maybe im all it has.
why else would it choose me.
to be the mother of disease.
this pain. this pain inside of me. it lets me know that i am not alone. its constant lashing lets me know im alive. this fermenting black hole of self destruct.
it blasphemes and churns at the center of eternity...my worlds red sun. i never know of what to expect.
but sleepless nights.
and thought filled cries.

maybe if i could take it all aprt.
maybe if i could cut myelf open.
maybe if i could hold it.
maybe if i could kill it.
maybe if i could disect it.
maybe if i could study it.
maybe if i could teach it.
maybe if i could nurture it.
maybe if i could love it.
maybe it will never leave me
maybe it will never fear me
maybe it will teach me
maybe it will attack me
maybe it will hate me
...but i hope it loves me
the way i love it
the way i cant live without it
killing me inside
breaking my heart in twine
sinking my thoughts in depths
pulling me in this world of shit.
but its my world
its our world
its all of me.
its all weve made
its all of me
its all weve built
its all of us
its all weve made
its all of us
its all wever built
its all of me (extacy)
its all of us (glorious)
its all of me (entropy)
its all of us (relentless)

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