Wednesday, April 27, 2011


theres more inside me than i allow myself to realize...the more that i allow to escape the more i hurt inside. if only i could word it. if only i could spell it out. if only i explain it. if only i could let it out.
its breathing.
im guessing its alive, but it make me so dead inside.
its feeding.
im praying its not myself eating me alive.
i want treatment. i want pills, liquor, medication. i want to be perfect. i want to be anything.
anything but this.

but im not the hole inside.
maybe it loves me.
maybe im all it has.
why else would it choose me.
to be the mother of disease.
this pain. this pain inside of me. it lets me know that i am not alone. its constant lashing lets me know im alive. this fermenting black hole of self destruct.
it blasphemes and churns at the center of worlds red sun. i never know of what to expect.
but sleepless nights.
and thought filled cries.

maybe if i could take it all aprt.
maybe if i could cut myelf open.
maybe if i could hold it.
maybe if i could kill it.
maybe if i could disect it.
maybe if i could study it.
maybe if i could teach it.
maybe if i could nurture it.
maybe if i could love it.
maybe it will never leave me
maybe it will never fear me
maybe it will teach me
maybe it will attack me
maybe it will hate me
...but i hope it loves me
the way i love it
the way i cant live without it
killing me inside
breaking my heart in twine
sinking my thoughts in depths
pulling me in this world of shit.
but its my world
its our world
its all of me.
its all weve made
its all of me
its all weve built
its all of us
its all weve made
its all of us
its all wever built
its all of me (extacy)
its all of us (glorious)
its all of me (entropy)
its all of us (relentless)

Friday, April 22, 2011

the saboteur with the heart of thorns

the architect of my own undoing, i've wrapped the wreath of barbs so tightly and constructed a fortress around my inner being, the king of my impregnable castle walls. numb, callous, cold, calculating.

just like the old days, before i bled for the first time.

my heart is made of thorns, thorns growing as protection for me and for others...a layer of safety to deter the touch of others, or its own beating pulse. calm and still in my blackened guts.

it was my lack of faith that guarded me, the inability to see past the mortality of all things makes me play the numbers and avoid risks...without emotional investments, my focus could be more keen, albeit hardened.

flocks of admirers without heartfelt gestures, a constant stream of flirtations and sweet nothings to any that caught my interest..all in jest, mind you, never tasting the flesh, only the mind...and never letting them near my infected sore of a heart.

so it came as a surprise to see the mirror afore me and to hold it tightly and to feel its warmth emanating from inside...a fever running through my veins just as i flowed through the reflection staring back at me.

but its hand had tried to grab for my atrophied heart, gashes and blood would flow, and verse would follow.

as the visage aged across the pane of glass, i stepped through to the other side of the dusty mirror, like floating over a river of the damned, i saw the world from the other side of the looking glass... and then i saw she was bleeding still, and as was i...

past the walls of stone encasing it, the thorns had pierced mine own hands, and were stabbing out of my chest...

we cried together...naked, vulnerable, critical of one another...seeing through ourselves....

what i saw is what i feared.

i'm the worst thing to ever happen to me. i have sabotaged ever caring hand to grace my eyes...not to let anyone close, but they get close enough sometimes. i am constantly inflicting a slow demise.

my sanctuary was also my coffin.

the whole reason im like this is so no pain could come...but it seems...i failed...again.

Wednesday, April 20, 2011


do you see those stars? the ones that are dancing before our eyes? their reflection is beautiful and clear off the endless waters. and there we are below, floating in eachothers hearts...the moon catches our eyes, our words catch our hearts, and our gaze is eternal....

we stand alone.

we are alone in this empty ocean. its depths are so much more than we could ever grasp....but its for no one else, its just for you and i. no land, no people, no morning light. this is our world, and theres no end in sight.

and if those tears of yours can dry, i swear to you ill make everything all right. because its do or die, and heaven is in our sights.

Saturday, April 16, 2011


I'm Sick. and tired. worn out and beaten im tapped out, exhausted, and drained. im overworked and overused...
 I'm Sick and filthy, im rotten and unclean. repulsive and revolting, scum of the earth, repugnant vermin...
I'm Sick, addicted. im strung out and doped up, itching and shaking, im fiending for escape in a pill or bump or shot...
I'm Sick, and diseased, riddled with viruses and infections. vomitting and bleeding  and contagious, plagued and quarentined and dying.
I'm Sick and twisted, im fucked up and evil and viscious, cold hearted and sadistic. im cruel and loveless, i need to make everything bleed...

I'm Sick..and filled with endless sorrow, my scars and cuts, my tears and screams...

I am the rain

The sky is falling, the lightning is calling, I wanna watch it all go down, just wash it all away, the streets are flooded and the wind is whipping, the world is coming undone, the streets are rivers with purple flashes all around. This is the storm I've been waiting for, this is the storm I've been praying for, wash it all away, just wash it all away.

"Flood warning over the entire south central pennsylvania area, this is a big storm and it doesn't look like its going to end"

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

Wine in a can

The emptiness of the day is palpable. Everything in the world is the dullest blue. So I'm sinking into wine and whining, filled with apathy in a ceramic mug. Everywhere you look the eyes of the masses are glazed and empty. The puddles reflect nothing back at me but false smiles and short lived dreams. This is the spring of our bored content. Waiting...waiting for anything. We're all just...just waiting.