Christmas carol.

I was going to say that all i wanted for christmas is you, but you already know that. And at the same time i know that just because i need you doesnt mean you need me. And i am not ready to move on, and nothing has hurt this bad, and its not ever going to get any fucking better... But i love you. I love you obsessively and compulsary to the point that i still cry every fucking night i have to go to sleep holding a tattered yellow blanket instead of your hand... i love you beyond the point i ever thought i could ever love someone and i knew from the moment i saw you that i wanted to be with you for the rest of my life...i loved you so much that i had to have you in every way, even knowing i wouldnt be good for you, that i didnt deserve you... i loved being with you that i dropped all my emotional barriers, all my insecuirties...but i couldnt stop my disease...until you showed me there was a reason to stop poisoning myself, and i would thank you for that if i still saw any beauty in this fucking shit world, or even a reason to still believe. I love you so much, that i am going to let your heart go so you can move on...i dont know if i can send this..because deep down i know i dont mean it, i know i cant fucking live through this again, and there will never be another you...but i cant think of anything else to do... But i'll know... That we always had the stars... And when i was with you, i held the universe in my hand. I love you, and whatever sin it is, i'll never stop loving you. Always and forever..past the rainbow and over the stars. Sweet dreemz, and merry christmas.

blink

what will happen, will i dream? i am too scared to close my eyes......

so what can i say of what i am and what can i do with what i have. what can i say that i have when i dont understand what i am? how can one person be so lost in another and so filled with eternal determination when theres no way it can besustained.

so what do i do now?
what do i do now?

do i get on my knees and beg for salvation?

do i accept defeat and disappear in shame?

do i just unveil my scars and display what ive done to myself?

do i fall into the spiraling downfall of my inner peace?

what am i?
where do i stand?

i cant bear this albatross around my neck. every note i hear, every flower i smell, every sunset i see, every feather i caress, and every drop of honey that graces my tongue....

its meaningless.

do i even belong? do i even...whatever...i dont know what to say..

and what will happen, will i dream? i am too scared to close my eyes....for a second, please hold me...

pouring between my fingers

and i swear, ive been this way forever.

its not stopping, its never stopping...its never going to end and its never going to get any fucking better. its permanent, its the brightest deepest scar on any part of me.  and theres no fucking cure for this, i just want it to go away, why wont anyone fucking take it away.;.fucking HELP ME I CANT LIVE LIKE THIS.


i do not want this.
i want it to go away
just leave me be
youre not wanted
i cant take this
i cant take this.
i cant take this
i cant keep going on like this.

cant you fucking see...cant you fucking understand that i hate you...

please....dont leave me....i didnt mean it....im sorry, forgive me, i need you to hold on to...so come back, come back fucking right now, for the love of god..please..

i..

i have no where to go inside....

dear angel...where are your broken wings tonight? its so cold inside, wont you hold me for a while...i feel alone and unalive...the night is frozen..these tears have burnt my eyes...dreams may pass and dreams may go...nothing at all will stay the same...nothing will ever stay

nothing will stay for you.

nothing will keep you if ou stay like this. i cant help it. thats why no one will help you.

god..damn..

when i was little i prayed to god..and thats when things went wrong...

hell taketh me
for this earthly shell needeth be cast aside.
your lord cant save me now.
your serpent has failed to sway my broken tides

and now i shall breathe deep...for there are times without souls, and the more i live on, i seem to piss mine away.

and even after all i've become, i hate myself for what i have done.



and guess what

//no you dont//

i think i feel better.



please excuse my outbursts...you cant understand how this feels. i just want it to stop.

its all a part of my steady systematic decline....i gave up, im covered with holes, i lost all control, and theres not one thing that ive ever seen thats given hope to this broken machine

...i want you to know...

...i still want you...i want...i want you to know...i only fucking live everytime i time i think of how much i dont believe in ugliness when i'm in your smile.l  i wasn't meant to destroy myself, not like that, not like i always thought...our kisses killed me when they stopped and i'm terrified of every fucking moment i can't remember the exact chartreuse that links every aspect of your eyes to the first last and only part of my soul that people still saw as good and i cant stop hating myself so much for every tear i can or cannot claim responsibility , i want to show every solar eclipse that the moon is too fickle to shade the shards of light and should be broken down into dust that will glitter and shatter around us because if there was any reason that the sun ever had to claw to shine to make the flowers gush in macabre was when you had those arms wrapped around me and rewrote my being in taproots and insignia that stood for something because the only seconds that mattered to me was when the matter of me that materialized the fiber short circuits and i fucking hate myself for all the the things ive become......but  ive never hated.....you.



And I Never Want To Start.

Self indulgence

I decided to take a break from posting my works to tell you about moi. My name is josta, I'm a teenager living in a 25 year old body. I live in central pa (represent) and am a mutton chop enthusiast. I'm glad I found this blogging device because I truly miss posting random rants and ravings ever since myspace was phased out, as well as xanga and various other online journals.

I'm an actor by trade, but typically work in customer service. I've been in such shows as mary shelley's frankenstein, the crucible and various others, I've written scripts for mostly comedies and thrillers. Despite my melancholy poetry, I'm known as the jester in my circles of friends.

I am also an avid history and literature nut as well as a science and arts addict. I love astrology and base a lot of things off of the stars. I myself am an aquarius with capricorn in my moon and taurus rising. The rest of my chart is populated by aquarius and sagittarius.

That's all for now, but I'm an open book so if you have any questions feel free to ask. Its a pleasure entertaining you all. Keep it unreal.

Introvention

theres more inside me than i allow myself to realize...the more that i allow to escape the more i hurt inside. if only i could word it. if only i could spell it out. if only i explain it. if only i could let it out.
its breathing.
im guessing its alive, but it make me so dead inside.
its feeding.
im praying its not myself eating me alive.
i want treatment. i want pills, liquor, medication. i want to be perfect. i want to be anything.
anything but this.

but im not the hole inside.
maybe it loves me.
maybe im all it has.
why else would it choose me.
to be the mother of disease.
this pain. this pain inside of me. it lets me know that i am not alone. its constant lashing lets me know im alive. this fermenting black hole of self destruct.
it blasphemes and churns at the center of eternity...my worlds red sun. i never know of what to expect.
but sleepless nights.
and thought filled cries.

maybe if i could take it all aprt.
maybe if i could cut myelf open.
maybe if i could hold it.
maybe if i could kill it.
maybe if i could disect it.
maybe if i could study it.
maybe if i could teach it.
maybe if i could nurture it.
maybe if i could love it.
maybe it will never leave me
maybe it will never fear me
maybe it will teach me
maybe it will attack me
maybe it will hate me
...but i hope it loves me
the way i love it
the way i cant live without it
killing me inside
breaking my heart in twine
sinking my thoughts in depths
pulling me in this world of shit.
but its my world
its our world
its all of me.
its all weve made
its all of me
its all weve built
its all of us
its all weve made
its all of us
its all wever built
its all of me (extacy)
its all of us (glorious)
its all of me (entropy)
its all of us (relentless)

the saboteur with the heart of thorns

the architect of my own undoing, i've wrapped the wreath of barbs so tightly and constructed a fortress around my inner being, the king of my impregnable castle walls. numb, callous, cold, calculating.

just like the old days, before i bled for the first time.

my heart is made of thorns, thorns growing as protection for me and for others...a layer of safety to deter the touch of others, or its own beating pulse. calm and still in my blackened guts.

it was my lack of faith that guarded me, the inability to see past the mortality of all things makes me play the numbers and avoid risks...without emotional investments, my focus could be more keen, albeit hardened.

flocks of admirers without heartfelt gestures, a constant stream of flirtations and sweet nothings to any that caught my interest..all in jest, mind you, never tasting the flesh, only the mind...and never letting them near my infected sore of a heart.

so it came as a surprise to see the mirror afore me and to hold it tightly and to feel its warmth emanating from inside...a fever running through my veins just as i flowed through the reflection staring back at me.

but its hand had tried to grab for my atrophied heart, gashes and blood would flow, and verse would follow.

as the visage aged across the pane of glass, i stepped through to the other side of the dusty mirror, like floating over a river of the damned, i saw the world from the other side of the looking glass... and then i saw she was bleeding still, and as was i...

past the walls of stone encasing it, the thorns had pierced mine own hands, and were stabbing out of my chest...

we cried together...naked, vulnerable, critical of one another...seeing through ourselves....

what i saw is what i feared.

i'm the worst thing to ever happen to me. i have sabotaged ever caring hand to grace my eyes...not to let anyone close, but they get close enough sometimes. i am constantly inflicting a slow demise.

my sanctuary was also my coffin.

the whole reason im like this is so no pain could come...but it seems...i failed...again.